George Rebane
Former President Bill Clinton has it all figured out. We’re putting all the laid off contractors back to work across the country doing “green upgrades” to every building that will 
stand still for it, and that will solve the jobs problem. All it takes is a little money, and we’re gonna get it from the pension funds of unions like the AFL-CIO and AFT, and (wait for it) even CALPERS – they’ll all kick in billions. These outfits are going into the banking business to make “Just say YES loans”. And it’s all gonna turn out ‘cash neutral’ cause, the loan paybacks will come from all the guaranteed savings from lower cost utility bills after all that good green is stuffed into and strapped onto those houses, schools, colleges, hospitals, office buildings, factories, … . Oh, one more thing, this will work just as well in Europe as here – God help ’em.
Now here’s how it will all come down – get out pencil and paper, and pay attention.
1. The unions and pension funds will advertise the ‘Just say Yes’ loans for green upgrades.
2. Building owners will trip over themselves to sign up for all that cash.
3. Charlie the contractor will reassemble his crew, get them trained, and hang out his shingle again.
4. Soon enough Charlie and Susie the building owner will sign a contract, and Charlie goes to work making the building as snug as a bug in a rug. (Charlie probably doesn’t notice some small print at the bottom of the page, but we’ll get back to that.)
5. The work is completed, Charlie packs up his stuff and goes on to the next job, and Susie starts enjoying lower utility bills and making loan payments.
6. The stingy bankers out there holding on to their trillions are now supposed to be green with envy watching all those ‘Just say Yes’ loans pulling in the fat loan service payments. Some might even ask ‘A few years back we made a ton from ‘Just say Yes’ loans, so how come we’re not making those loans now?’ Some cooler heads counsel a bit more wait and see.
7. If after a while things don’t turn out exactly as predicted, and Susie can’t make her loan payments from her utility savings – not to worry, she picks up the phone, calls Charlie, and asks him to come over while reminding him not to forget his checkbook.
8. A puzzled Charlie arrives wondering what all this is about. Susie shows him the small print on the contract where Charlie guarantees that he will make up the difference between the loan payments and the utility savings. Charlie says, ‘Holy shit!’
9. Charlie writes Susie the check, calls his lawyer, ups the price on his next installations to cover run-ins with future Susies, and pours himself a very large adult beverage while he figures out what kind of business he has now gotten himself into.
10. Mary has Charlie do her building also. It costs a bunch more than what Susie paid, but what the hell, her ‘Just say Yes’ loan covers it, and Charlie guarantees it to be cash neutral. Mary knows that ‘cash neutral’ means that to her the green upgrade is free.
11. Charlie soon gets a call from Mary and discovers that he didn’t price in enough to cover the large checks he’s now writing to his former customers. He sees that he’s signed himself up essentially forever with every building that he has greened. Utility bills keep going up, and on the back of an envelope one day Charlie figures that he’s SOL, so he declares bankruptcy.
12. All the lawyers involved have been waiting for this, and are now happy dancing in the streets as the lawsuits come rolling in – building owners suing contractors, suing pension funds, suing unions, suing utilities, suing greenie stuff manufacturers. And then everybody involved starts counter-suing each other. Tort law dreamland, cue the violins.
13. The bankers go check the locks on their vaults to make damn sure that none of their cash gets suckered into the next tranche of ‘Just say Yes loans’ that another one of Obama’s pals is bound to announce sooner or later.
You probably don’t believe any of this and want to hear from the ol’ Slick himself. Well here he is at his Clinton Global Initiative no less (notice absence of telepromters), and with a couple of would-be banker sidekicks in attendance whom you’ll recognize instantly. (H/T to RR reader Dave King for the heads up on this, and to another RR reader for the timely image.)
rebanesruminations.com 
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